Who Is She?

It would be natural for me to make a self-deprecatory comment. Pretend I'm holding out my phone as if to take a selfie, whilst pouting and asking the world "who am I?" a la Emma Roberts in Wild Child. I guess it's ironic I am feeling this way in 'quarter life crisis' year. Or perhaps not. Isn't the point of 25 to be constantly questioning one's identity? So lately as a blogger I've felt lost. Even calling myself a blogger at the moment feels treacherous. Like a branch I'm trying carefully to not fall off. A piece of fabric hanging on by a thread. 

When I started blogging in 2011 it was because I felt inspired and fueled by my desire to write. Meeting Lady Melbourne aka Phoebe and hearing more about what she does empowered me. Being a longtime Tavi Gevinson fangirl made me want to create magic like she did and still does. What else motivated me was wanting to be my own editor so to speak. That year I'd been contributing to my university's student magazine. I'd loved seeing my name on the masthead and my columns in print. They're one hundred per cent embarrassing for me to look at now but I know at the time I was so chuffed to have them published. At the same time, I wanted to write about fashion and books and pop culture. Topics that weren't always taken seriously. At the time the magazine was very much geared around politics and sport so I can see why that happened but it made me want to just be my own publisher, editor, etc.

So rodarterebel was born. Yep. I bet none of you knew that was a thing for all of five minutes. It morphed into Nana Wintour in December of 2011. Bored and wanting a distraction from my dull as dishwater Psychology paper, I loved coming home and pressing publish on new posts. I wanted to post all the time. My questionable series titles and necessity to use alliteration and ridiculously tiny images. I mean, in my introductory post I describe myself as possessing "certain viewpoints and interests of days gone by" and "look to the past for creative insight and influence to then bring forward into the present". Sophie, what the heck does that even mean!? But I LOVED it. Nana Wintour was mainly my little secret for a while. I thought people would find it strange. That was it. Having to explain Nana Wintour either resulted in perplexing looks, or people got it instantly. There was no in-between. In many cases it was just easier for me to keep quiet about it. 

Over the next few years my love for this lil' corner of the interwebs bloomed. Blogging filled me with an enormous sense of self-pride and really boosted my confidence in many ways. Sure, I am not the most confident person in any room but hey, every little bit counts. Anyway, I was proud as punch of Nana Wintour. I still am. When I published a post I'd been a bit nervous about or I'd worked hard to organise something behind the scenes. It's always been immensely satisfying and rewarding. Side note: blog posts take time. If you're easily distracted, more so. I posted a lot. Maintaining schedules and a makeshift editorial calendar of sorts. Making sure there was always something waiting to go live, even when I was on holiday. Up until earlier this year I even used to plan out my Instagram and Facebook posts. 

You are most probably thinking-why did she pour all this energy into a hobby? For a time, I treated this blog as another notch on my CV. In some ways it did help me establish a couple of part-time jobs I had in the past. Of course it enabled me, and still does to an extent, to have the opportunity to experience and review things I would not normally be privy to. Of course in the early days I was swept up in the hype. I was young and starry-eyed and when packages arrived it was like being a kid in a candy store. I will always be grateful for that side of things among many other aspects of blogging. That being said, I did find the influx of packages at times overwhelming. And I was and am by no means a major blogger so I cannot imagine what it's like for people getting packages day after day. I'm not going to lie, the way in which the blogging and PR side of things works now does leave me feeling frustrated and disenchanted at times. It gets under my sensitive skin. That's a discussion for another day though.

Now the part I really have avoided writing. Six years down the line and I feel so incredibly lost as a blogger. It's almost cyclical-the self doubt I felt at the beginning seems to have come back. I am always questioning my place as a blogger. While I no longer aspire to 'keep up' so to speak, I do wonder what that means for me. Do I still have a place or am I shouting into a quite literally endless void of cyberspace? Do I post when I want to and just accept that I don't maintain a schedule as I once did? Do I rebrand, or do I just retreat with my notebooks offline?

I cannot imagine my life without blogging and writing. You cannot silence this chatty, contemplative, enthusiastic woman that easily. My ideas of writing and sharing online may be a bit fogged and muddled for now. I believe this is what they call writer's block. Please bear with me. Stick around. I won't be going anywhere. I'll just be navigating my way through what exactly Nana Wintour is these days. And that, as I am learning, takes time. I will see you soon.*

If you made it to the end of this post, you deserve a medal, or at the very least a block of chocolate or some kind of treat. Indulge. Life is too short. 

*One of my regular features will be back later in the week and then I am taking an unofficial hiatus whilst I work through the above ^. 

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